Caveat Emptor: A New Remote
by Tanba Josav
Summary: It’s not easy living with a Star Wars fan. Just ask Jane when her roommate brings home yet another bit of merchandise.


Caveat Emptor .DISCLAIMER: All the familiar names belong to the 'Great Flannelled One' the rest of them just live in my head. I'm not making a cent off this, okay?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Jane sat on her bed reading the latest Vogue magazine when she heard the front door slam. "Is that you Nat?" she called out.  
  
"Yup," Natalie called back. "Who were you expecting the Pope?" she asked as she poked her head around the doorway to Jane's room.  
  
"No he's coming next week remember?" Jane grinned up at her flatmate and best friend.  
  
Natalie sidled past Jane's door, her hands hidden behind her back.  
  
"What are you up too?" Jane queried as her friend bolted for her room.  
  
"Nothing," came the muffled reply, as the door slammed shut.  
  
Jane threw down her magazine and stomped up to Natalie's door. "Have you been buying things again?" she demanded. When she heard no reply she opened the door and peered inside. Jane looked just in time to see Natalie pull out of a paper bag what seemed to be, to an untrained eye, some sort of toy.  
  
"You've been buying Star Wars stuff again, haven't you?" Jane queried as she looked around Natalie's room. The entire room was covered in Star Wars related merchandise. Posters, books, toys in all shapes and forms, even her bed wasn't immune. Natalie waved the object about gleefully.  
  
"What is it?" Jane asked without any enthusiasm.  
  
"Guess," Natalie replied.  
  
"Well it looks like a mini lightsabre," Jane responded.  
  
"It is," Natalie said, with glee as she scrunched up the paper bag and tossed it into her wastepaper basket. She cheered when it went in. "Three points! All right."  
  
"Nat you have two of those already. Why do you need another one?" Jane said questioning her friend's sanity.  
  
"Ah but this is not your ordinary sabre," pronounced Natalie.  
  
Jane clasped her hands to her chest dramatically. "Really?"  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes at her friends overacting. "No. It's a TV remote control lightsabre."  
  
"Hello Nat, we have a remote control already," Jane waved her hands about to attract her friend's attention.  
  
"I know," Natalie retorted. "But it's not a Star Wars remote." She pressed a button and a tinny rendition of the Star Wars theme rang out. "See and listen to this," Natalie then pressed another button and a swooshing noise was activated.  
  
"Take that Darth Maul," she cried out in triumph as she wielded the sabre about the room.  
  
"Oh good grief," Jane moaned as she banged her head lightly against the doorframe.  
  
"Hey lets try it out," Natalie grabbed Jane's arm and started to drag her down the hall. "Friends has just started."  
  
Both women slumped down on the couch. Jane jumped back up again and pulled out the old remote that she had accidentally sat on. Sighing she slid the redundant remote down the side of the couch and after plumping the pillows, Star Wars themed of course, sat back down. Natalie used her new remote to turn the television on and a male voice spoke 'may the Force be with you'.  
  
"Cool," Natalie crowed. "I didn't know it did that."  
  
[The opening scene showed the outside of Coruscant Perk.]  
  
"Wait a minute," Jane protested. "What did that say?"  
  
"Shush," Natalie turned up the volume.  
  
[Ross walked in and slumped over to the oversized couch where his friends where waiting, his robe draped over one arm. Phoebe sat elsewhere on a raised platform tuning her guitar.  
  
"Hi," he moaned in his best pitiful voice.  
  
"Ross what's wrong?" his sister Monica asked as she reached over to hug him.  
  
"Some padawans took my best robe and used it for sabre practice," Ross held up the robe to show everyone the burn marks. "Look at it. It's ruined."  
  
"Cool," Joey said before sipping on his coffee.  
  
"Joey!' scolded Rachel. "It's not cool. How would you like it if someone did that to you?"  
  
Joey snorted. "Well they wouldn't cause they'd know if that ever happened I'd beat 'em up," he looked over to Ross. "You gotta be tougher man."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler added. "Tougher."  
  
Joey looked at Chandler.  
  
"What?" Chandler demanded. "I'm tough."  
  
The others all turned and looked at Chandler.  
  
"I am," Chandler protested. "Hey you think you have problems? My Master has no sense of humour." Chandler waved his arms about in his distress. "No humour! What am I supposed to do about that?"  
  
"Hey," Phoebe's voice amplified by her microphone called out grabbing everyone's attention. "Lets all focus on me."  
  
When she realised that everyone was looking Phoebe giggled and tucked her padawan braid behind her ear. She waved one hand about. "You will all listen to me now." She started to strum her guitar before waving her hand again. "You will all like it, too."  
  
Chandler leaned across to the others. "Is anyone ever going tell her that doesn't work?"  
  
Phoebe strummed her guitar and started warbling slightly off key. "Jedi knight, Jedi knight. What are they feeding you? Jedi knight, Jedi knight. It's not your fault"]  
  
Jane gave a small shriek and grabbed for the remote.  
  
"What the hell was that?" she demanded turning the television off. "That wasn't Friends."  
  
"It looked like Friends to me," Natalie replied.  
  
Jane gave her roommate a disbelieving stare.  
  
"Well Friends Star Wars style," Natalie amended. "Maybe it was some sort of theme night," She added lamely.  
  
"And you didn't know about it?" Jane retorted. "If George Lucas farted in his bathtub, Nat, you'd know about it. This is too weird."  
  
Natalie made a grab for the remote. "Let's just try another channel shall we?"  
  
Jane held it up out of reach and turning the television back on started to channel surf. She finally settled on a cartoon.  
  
"This should be safe," Jane murmured.  
  
[The coyote was chasing the roadrunner across the desert. 'Beep beep' the roadrunner picked his speed up and left the coyote eating dust.]  
  
Natalie giggled. "That guy never learns."  
  
[In the next scene the coyote had managed to corner his meal in a cul-de- sac. Leering, as only a cartoon coyote could, he reached into a nearby bush and pulled out a box with the word 'Acme' written across it.]  
  
Jane whistled. "Go the Acme box. Like he's never tried that before."  
  
[The coyote pulled out of the box a double-bladed lightsabre]  
  
Both women yelped and wrestled with the remote trying to turn it off. Natalie accidentally pushed another button and the channel changed again.  
  
["..nk you Master Trebek," someone called Paul was speaking. "I'll take Jedi Council Members for 100."]  
  
"I'd totally kick arse on that show," Natalie said regretfully.  
  
Jane shook the remote twice and tried it again.  
  
['You are about to enter the courtroom of Master Yoda. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is his courtroom. This is Judge Yoda']  
  
"What?!" both women chorused.  
  
Jane turned to Natalie in disbelief. "Are you sensing a trend here?"  
  
"I'm sensing a major freak out on the way," Natalie joked feebly.  
  
[Mace Windu stood up and addressed the court. "Parties are Geller versus L'anklo. Step forward please."  
  
An announcer's voice spoke "23 year old Geller says that 18 year old L'anklo damaged his robe while L'anklo is counter suing for damages to his lightsabre."]  
  
"Hey a crossover," Natalie turned to her dazed friend. "Jane are you all right?'  
  
Jane picked up a pillow and clutched it to her chest. "This isn't happening. I'm stuck in one of your strange Star War dreams. I'll wake up," she looked at her friend. "Won't I?"  
  
[Mace indicated where the two parties should stand. "Order, all rise. Quiet in the courtroom"  
  
Yoda walked slowly into the room dressed in an oversized black judicial robe.  
  
"Judge this is number 6 on the calendar in the matter of Geller versus L'anklo. Parties are sworn in," Mace turned to the courtroom. "You may be seated."  
  
Yoda tucked the arms of some wire rim glasses over his pointy ears and glared at the two padawans. "Hmmm," he looked at Geller. "Damaged is your robe?"  
  
"Yes your honour," nodded Ross Geller.  
  
Yoda stroked his chin thoughtfully and turned to L'anklo. "Damaged as well is your lightsabre?"  
  
L'anklo glared at Geller. "Yeah," he pointed in accusation. "He did it."  
  
Geller yelped in protest. "He started it."  
  
Yoda rapped his gimer stick firmly on the desk. "Quiet you will be. Talking am I now."]  
  
Natalie started to chew her nails. "Is it just me or would he make a great judge?"  
  
Jane nodded. "As scary as it sounds I think you're right."  
  
Natalie grabbed the remote and changed the channel.  
  
"Don't you want to know who wins?" queried Jane.  
  
"Knowing Yoda," Natalie spoke with a grin. "They'll both wished they'd never started this. They'll probably both end up scrubbing the Temple floors with a toothbrush."  
  
"Are you listening to yourself?" Jane questioned. "You're acting like this is real."  
  
"Well Jane, the only other option is we're both right now sitting in rubber rooms imagining all this." Natalie turned her attention back to the screen. "Of course," she added brightly. "We could just be a couple of characters thought up to amuse some fanfic writer and her friends."  
  
Jane shuddered at the thought. "Stop that. You're scaring me."  
  
[Mimi was walking over to her desk. She was wearing a black hooded robe and she sneered at Drew as she passed. "Bite me Jedi pig."  
  
Drew turned around. He was dressed as a padawan Jedi.]  
  
"Hey look, a fat Obi-Wan." Jane giggled.  
  
Natalie reached out and smacked Jane up the back of her head. "Hush it," she growled. Jane rubbed her head, frowning. "Can't take a joke," she protested.  
  
[Drew looked Mimi up and down. "What is it with Sith and freaky makeup?" he wondered out loud.]  
  
"Now there is a question you don't hear everyday," Jane wrestled the remote off of Natalie.  
  
"Right one last try and then I'm going insane." Jane crossed her fingers and poked at the remote.  
  
[The scene was of an emergency ward. Doctors and nurses strode quickly along its corridors, looking very serious.]  
  
Jane peered at the screen. "Nat you're the expert. Do you see any extras that look like they've escaped from a Star Wars movie?"  
  
Natalie peered at the screen for a few minutes then sighed with relief. "Nope I think we're cured. What are we watching?"  
  
[Doctor Mark Green walked down the corridor deeply in conversation with Nurse Carol Hathaway.]  
  
"Alright ER," Jane cupped her hands around her mouth and spoke in a booming voice. "Attention. Attention. Be on the look out for the delectable Doctor Carter, this is not a drill. I repeat this is not a drill."  
  
Natalie giggled and nodded. "First to spot him gets drooling rights."  
  
[Just then a gurney was rushed through the emergency doors. Doctor Green and Carol rushed to its side.  
  
"What do we have?" Mark asked.  
  
"We have a white male in his late 50's with a lightsabre wound to the chest. We were able to stabilize him in the field but its pretty touch and go," one of the paramedics replied.  
  
"Right lets take him to trauma one," Mark Green looked up and spotted Doctor Carter. "Carter, you're with me."  
  
Doctor Green turned to the young padawan who was walking next to the gurney. "And you are?"  
  
"Obi-Wan Kenobi and that's my Master Qui-Gon Jinn," the young man replied nodding to the comatose patient.]  
  
Jane bounced on her seat "It's Carter," she squealed.  
  
Natalie just sat there. "Qui-Gon Jinn? You mean he's not dead?" she asked, hope colouring her voice.  
  
[The gurney was moved along side the examining table.  
  
"Right, we'll move him on the count of three," Doctor Green ordered. "One. Two. Three."  
  
On three, the body of the patient was suddenly raised up into the air and started to move sideways without anyone touching him.  
  
"Steady," Green instructed as he moved his hand across.]  
  
Jane's mouth dropped open in shock. "What was that?"  
  
"Looks like they moved him with the Force," Natalie explained. "That's gotta come in handy."  
  
[When the patient had been lowered they started to examine him while one of the nurses ushered Obi-Wan out of the room. Suddenly a loud ominous tone could be heard.  
  
"He's going into arrest," Carol shouted.]  
  
Natalie screamed in horror and shut the television off. "I'm not going to see him die again," she announced.  
  
Both women sat there for a few minutes in silence. Then Jane turned to her best friend. "Where the hell did you buy this thing?" she shouted waving the remote about.  
  
Natalie ducked her head and replied in a small voice. "It was a stall down at the market."  
  
"Any chance you can take it back for a refund?" Jane asked hopefully.  
  
"Jane it's second hand. You can't get a refund," Natalie explained.  
  
"Now why am I not surprised it's second hand," Jane said, sarcastically. She glared at the remote.  
  
"What do we do now?" Natalie queried.  
  
Jane thought about it before looking sternly at her roommate. "Nat this thing is dangerous don't you agree?"  
  
Natalie nodded.  
  
"Then I think we should get rid of it," Jane decided.  
  
"How?" Natalie said.  
  
Jane looked around and finally in an act of desperation shoved it down the back of the couch. "There," she then pulled out the old remote and patted it affectionately.  
  
"You're not going to watch anymore TV are you?" Natalie asked hesitantly.  
  
Jane tapped the old remote on her leg, as she mulled the question over. "You know they do say too much television rots the brain," she said.  
  
Natalie nodded to herself. "I've got some reading to do."  
  
"Me too," said Jane.  
  
They both stood up and without looking at the television wandered into their separate rooms and closed the doors. 


End file.
